Letters from Iraq

MIR, CRF and ACC

7 May 2004
FOB KMTB (CALDWELL)

Greetings from Camp Happy! I am a little slower on getting this letter out as I enjoyed the after effects of taking one too many malaria pills for a few days. Monday is malaria pill day at Camp Happy. I woke up this past Monday morning and immediately popped a malaria pill in my mouth since I am such a good and obedient soldier and always do what is asked of me. Well then about an hour later, my dysfunctional roommate asked me if I had taken my malaria pill yet. He IS the Brigade Sergeant Major and it is HIS job to harass the troops so he was just being his normal aggravating self. In my confused state from having to live with him, I said, "I don't know if I have taken my malaria pill or not." Then I proceeded to pop another glorious dose of malaria into my digestive system. The next morning, my temporary bout of not being sure if I had taken one or two malaria pills was confirmed. The bottle reads: "May cause GI upset: take with food." Just decided to read the instructions (male intuitive response). So this is the first I heard about the food part. Other symptoms according to this white plastic bottle include: visual disturbances (can't see a thing), loss of appetite, nausea, stomach pain, muscle weakness. Hey, I hit a home run! Got all of them. Eight months ago I was a happy civilian. Then they make me wear the same clothes all the time and send me to Iraq and now I get all the side affects of this wonderful malaria medication. The week before we got anthrax shot No. 4 and a hepatitis B & C shot. Didn't have to pay for none of it. Didn't even have to ask to get it. They just came and gave it to me. The Army is so generous.

On Monday night we had our first Comedy Show at 2000 hours in the same room where we have church. Actually it was just a continuation of my Sunday night message. It was entitled "Whose Line Is It, Iraq?" It was put on by the CRF. They just had to have an acronym. CRF stands for Comic Relief Force. Every member of the CRF is also a MP (Military Police) who just happen to be a member of BG Hickman's PSD (Personal Security Detail). Don't go there. The leader is a former comedian, SPC Emory Altman. Joining him were SPC Matthew Hall, SGT Patrick Joyner and SPC Melvin Kearney. SPC Kearney was emcee for the show and got over his nervousness quickly before the packed audience and eventually took off his desert camouflage blouse and asked us whether we thought his shirt was too small. I guess we were supposed to be impressed by his muscles or something. SPC Altman had an amazing number of voices. He sang a Randy Travis song, did Fat Albert on the Titanic, Darth Vader on SINCGARS (military form of FM communication), Harry Carey as a Mess Sergeant, Porky Pig confronting an IED (Improvised Explosive Device, used by the Iraqis to keep us alert on the highways), Simon of American Idol, Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and my roomie (Command Sergeant Major Morgan).

Two scantily clad young males then entered the room wearing only a neck gator (this brown thing that stretches around your face and neck so you can breathe in a dust storm) and a t-shirt. The brown thingee was placed over their hips like a tight skirt and the t-shirt was somehow arranged on their bodies to resemble a halter top. They made like they were lap dancing for BG Danny Hickman and COL Hal Davis. So now we have our two senior officers being the recipients of some form of a lap dance from two ridiculously clad infantry soldiers and the crowd is loving it. I think COL Davis really liked it because he reached into his pocket and threw one of them a dollar as he was leaving.

SPC Joyner impersonated a drill sergeant as a WalMart greeter, and Barney Fife in charge of KP. Then SPC Joyner and SPC Altman did Mr. T and Mike Tyson in a bake-off. All the while SPC Kearney is flexing his muscles and threatening to shoot anyone not fully appreciating his physique. SPC Kearney would read a line for the evening's comedians to work with and off they would go, often cheering one another if their lines were good. SPC Altman started the show with Jerry Clower's "tater on a moped story." That boy is good.

Before the evening began, SPC Altman prepped the audience concerning one of his routines. He said that he would begin telling a joke in Japanese and that the punch line would be in English. He informed us that the punch line had nothing to do with anything and wasn't even funny but we were to laugh our fool heads off and he bet that BG Hickman would laugh too, even though the whole thing was ridiculous. We rehearsed it a couple of times and then BG Hickman and COL Davis showed up, politely late. Well, when we came to the time in the evening's program for the Japanese joke, SPC Altman gave us his best Japanese (gibberish) and then concluded with his punch line. Now for the uninformed, IBA stands for something, I just don't know what, but it is really the 40 pound woodland camouflage vest we wear with metal plates meant to protect our bodies from flying objects that could do us bodily harm. So SPC Altman said his punch line with great enthusiasm, "And the donkey wore an IBA!" The crowd erupted into laughter so spontaneous and spirited that some of us rose to our feet and hooted and hollered and clapped at the enormity of such a funny story. The results were so good that he did it again and we responded with louder laughter and hollering. BG Hickman and COL Davis laughed along with the rest of us as if it were actually a good joke. They once again demonstrated that they are gracious leaders. Later that evening I was alone with our esteemed leader of troops and calmly informed him that we really got him tonight. He wanted to know when. I then reminded him of the Japanese story with the punch line, "And the donkey wore an IBA!" In all seriousness, BG Hickman looked at me and said, "Well, it was funny!" Oh well, I tried.

It seems that BG Hickman and CSM Morgan were on a convoy returning to Camp Happy yesterday when they were attacked by a contingent of the ACC. According to unconfirmed reports, the ACC moved stealthily toward an untimely rendezvous with our esteemed leaders who were being protected by the CRF (Comedy Relief Force, remember earlier story.) No one seemed to see the ACC, who were initially reported as great in number. The ACC charged the convoy's right flank at full gallop. At the last moment the convoy had to slam on brakes and slid down the road on a collision course with the stampeding members of the ACC. BG Hickman's alert eyes saved the day and a tragedy was averted. The cowardly ACC were last seen retreating in a southerly direction. What was described as a herd of ACC turns out to be only four or five of the infamous villains. The conquering heroes who were really extremely grateful to be alive, marched into the Brigade Headquarters Building enthusiastically describing their near death experience. The real story is that four or five cows stampeded in front of the General's HUMMWV and because his HUMMWV got in their way, these innocent bovines are being described as Anit-Coalition Cows, hence ACC. I hope the ACC file an IG complaint, if not a Congressional.

There is so much negative publicity out there about our troops and our mission that I thought I would share with you some of the remarks sent out by LTC Jim Stevens, Commander of 1-120th Infantry Battalion.

The Tusk Hog Battalion is here to help build Iraqi independence. Our leaders are training the Iraqis to fend for themselves. Though many of the Iraqis are capable of prospering in a democratic society, many are learning new skills in a country no longer controlled by Saddam Hussein. In this type of environment, the National Guard soldier brings superior life experience, maturity, and a refreshing perspective to theater. And I am here to tell you that your loved ones are performing in a superior manner. You should be proud!

The Wolverines have spent the last two months working closely with Mayor Mohammed Maroof Hussein and Police Chief David Mohammed Aziz to make Balad Ruz a safer place to live and work. Conducting joint patrols with the Iraqi Civil Defense Corps (ICDC) and the Iraqi police, CPT Cash and the Wolverines are making great strides in training Iraqi security personnel. Working with city leaders, CPTs Cash and Stapleton have identified worthwhile projects to improve the city, and have invested a half million dollars into developing schools, improving security, and rebuilding citizen confidence in their leaders.

I hope you are as proud of the wonderful job our guys are doing as I am. Among those troops actively engaging the populace, there is a clear sense that we are here for all the right reasons.

The First Infantry Division Band recently visited two of our outlying FOBs (Forward Operating Bases) and really put on a good show. It was much appreciated by our troops and was a welcome relief as it was our soldiers' first real entertainment since being deployed. Thank you 1ID and thank each of you for your gracious thoughts and prayers!

CH(LTC) Dennis Goodwin
30th BCT Chaplain

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