Humor Archives

April 13

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import
all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A:
Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand
miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not
touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What, did your last slave die of?

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

More Later!

April 20

Strange Laws
These laws either are currently on the books or were at one time

California

In Los Angeles, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a
wider strap.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving
vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
In Pacific Grove, ``molesting'' butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with
her boss.
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one's car with used under-
wear.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

More Australian Tourist Questions:

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a
British politician, correct?

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE
don't stink.

Manic-Depression Self Test

IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: If you answer "yes" to two or more of the following items, there is a great chance that you may be suffering from manic depression or another mental illness. If this is the case, please, print out this page and take it to your doctor! Remember, it is you and you alone who really knows yourself well enough and can answer these questions in a totally honest and open manner. Cheating will only hurt yourself and those who are "sane" and need to live with you! It is your health and wellness, an important issue, so please take your time

* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V.drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in
   the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
   it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like
   losing your best friend.