Humor Archive

April 7

A little boy asked his mother for a lot of money and was told he had to go pray and if he was a good boy, God might give it to him. So he prays, "God, I've been a very good boy and I would like... Well, I've been a good boy at least, and I would like you to... Well, I've been an okay boy, Lord, and I really want..." He realizes he hasn't been good at all, so he runs to the church, grabs a figure of the Virgin Mary, and goes back home. "God, I got your mother. If you want her back, you know what to do."

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

April 1

A lonley woman placed a classified ad that read, "Husband Wanted". She received more than 100 prompt responses which read, "You can have mine!"

Did you hear about the lazy bank robbers who didn't bother to count their haul? They just waited for the morning newspapers to tell them.

Mom, what happens to a car when it gets too old to be sold anymore?
Someone sells it to your father.

Where there's a will there's bound to be at least one lawyer.

Trying To Help - by Dennis Miller

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has
got my insane little brain spinning like a roulette wheel. I enjoy
reading opinions from both sides but have detected a hint of confusion
from some of you.
As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice
someone ever gave me. He told me about the KISS method ("Keep It
Simple, Stupid!) so, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory
for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify
things a bit and recognize a few important facts.
Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important
issue:

1) Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing, keep
this in mind, they have Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and
Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

3) If you use Google search and type in "French Military Victories,"
your reply will be "Did you mean French Military Defeats?"

4) If your only anti-war slogan is "NO WAR FOR OIL," sue your school
district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of
the education you deserve.

5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before
they try to kill us.

6) Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the President. He only
plays one on TV.

7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "Infidel" and Bin Laden
wants you dead too.

8) If you believe in a "vast right-wing Conspiracy" but not in the
danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude.

9) We are not trying to liberate them.

10) Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and
women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out. We
all need to support them without reservation.

(with apologies to those French who understand the issues and support the United States and the coalition)

The French

A Bob and Sheri Listener!

My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one
that says 'First Iraq, then France'." -Tom Brokaw

"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler
from France."
-Jay Leno

"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them
Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin' thru Paris with a German Flag on it." -Dave Letterman

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage. -unknown

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable
because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable
because they live in France. -Mark Twain

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in
Canada. -Ted Nugent

The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we
found truffles in Iraq.

War without France would be like ... uh .. World War II

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army

Q. How do you stop a French Tank?
A. Shoot the guy pushing.

Q. How many frenchman does it take to defend Paris?
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.

The best French bashing line heard over the last week is: "We can
count on the French to be there when they need us."